


heather's gay panic (x3)

by keenmint



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, characters discuss things with non-con elements, chat fic, no graphic depiction is present, the non con tag is there because, the underage tag is there since basically everyone in this fic is a minor, there is! a tonne of swearing in this fic! be warned!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-04-28 02:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14440011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keenmint/pseuds/keenmint
Summary: queen:Nvm she does look really pretty... in a straight way though no homomobyduke:I know right. that was in an exclusively lesbian way I'm a big gaymobyduke:btw Heather there is no heterosexual explanation for what you just said.queen:Im not gay bitch shut your dumb ass uptweety:um heather you kind of are...queen:Dont





	1. v.sawyer has joined the conversation

**Author's Note:**

> hello! happy birthday kat!!! hope you enjoy this b-day gift even though by now it's almost over fjfdkfjfj
> 
> as for all you other readers out there please know that 1) i havent posted a fic to ao3 in uhh a year and change 2) i've never had to write or format a chat fic before so?? which segues nicely into my 3rd and most relevant point: im a dumb bastard
> 
> didn't get to revise this as much as i'd like since i am booboo the time mismanaging fool so if you see mistakes please bear with me but don't hesitate to call em out 
> 
> (though some typos are intentional & left to add dimension to a certain character's typing style)
> 
> cheers! hope you enjoy!

**ride or die bitches (2)- 6:27 am**

_mobyduke added v.sawyer to the conversation._

**tweety:** welcome veronica!!! 

**mobyduke:** It's 6 am I don't think Veronica's awake yet.

 **queen:** What are you two even doing awake

 **tweety:** i dont know!

 **mobyduke:** pulled an all nighter lol 

**queen:** Just get one of the nerds to do your homework

 **mobyduke:** not that kind of all nighter

 **tweety:** omg whos the girl

 **mobyduke:** fdkjfjfh I wish

 **queen:** You stayed up all night watching youtube didnt you

 **mobyduke:** maybe

 **mobyduke:** I watched a conspiracy video about how the lizard people orchestrated the Norman invasion of England at 11pm last night and now somehow I've been watching an asmr channel cut aloe vera for the past 20 minutes

 **mobyduke:** the lizard people stole 7 hrs of my memory

 **queen:** Aloe vera can suck my ass 

**queen:** Its literally watery plastic

 **mobyduke:** take that back

 **queen:** No

 **mobyduke:** you're so fucking rude 

**queen:** That doesnt change the fact that aloe vera is watery plastic 

**mobyduke** it's watery plastic that has soothing properties for burns and helps fevers it already does more than you ever will 

**mobyduke:** you can't say anything because you know I'm right

 **queen:** Heather gets so insufferably smug when she thinks shes won something it makes me sick

 **mobyduke:** I'm right here

 **mobyduke:** and um excuse me bitch your resting state is smug superiority

 **queen:** But thats because I simply _am_ superior

 **tweety:** well, Heather, aloe you vera much!

 **queen:** Love you too heather  <3

_mobyduke has changed usernames to "AloeVeraStan"_

**AloeVeraStan:** I will die on this hill 

**queen:** die then

**ride or die bitches (2)- 7:08am**

**v.sawyer:** hi

 **tweety:** hi!!!!

 **queen:** Hi

 **AloeVeraStan:** hi. 

**v.sawyer:** 1\. who are you  & 2\. should i be concerned about what's going on with the... aloe vera

 **AloeVeraStan:** it's nothing dont worry about it Veronica

_AloeVeraStan has changed usernames to "mobyduke"_

**mobyduke:** I'm Heather Duke in case you couldn't tell

 **tweety:** im heather mcnamara!!

 **queen:** Heather chandler

 **v.sawyer:** okay, cool

 **tweety:** welcome to the heathers chat!!!!!

 **v.sawyer:** um

 **v.sawyer:** not that i'm not honored to be here but. why am i in here

 **queen:** This is 2018 veronica did you not expect us to have a groupchat? 

**v.sawyer:** oh no it's not that! it's just i didn't think you would let me into your groupchat. 

**queen:** Werent you listening yesterday? having a groupchat is essential to coordinating our rule of westerburg high

 **queen:** Of course youre not allowed into the actual groupchat. this is the disposable one.. yknow cause youre disposable. 

**v.sawyer:** okay! wow! sure know how to make a girl feel appreciated

 **v.sawyer:** why is this chat called ride or die bitches then if i'm disposable?

 **queen:** Because you either ride with us or you die. 

**v.sawyer:** oh. 

**mobyduke:** extra emphasis on the die. 

**ride or die bitches- 7:12 am**

**mobyduke:** OIFNSDN HEATHER WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL HER WE COPIED THE TITLE FROM OUR ORIGINAL GROUP CHAT

 **queen:** I DONT KNOW

_tweety changed groupchat name to "0 chill available" ___

____

**ride or die bitches (2)- 7:12 am**

_queen changed groupchat name to "ride or die bitches"_

**queen:** Although now that youre part of the heathers you do get some part of that sentiment extended to you

 **queen:** I would be up for stabbing someone if you needed me to

 **v.sawyer:** uhhhhh yeah wow heather that is just, such, a relatable mood

 **tweety:** maybe not something as violent as stab but you definitely seem really cool!!

 **mobyduke:** I prefer poisons over stabbing actually but I might lower myself to a stabbing for a member of the Heathers...

 **v.sawyer:** i met you guys yesterday. 

**mobyduke:** anyways moving on 

**v.sawyer:** more importantly how did you get my number 

**queen:** Anyways moving on 

**tweety:** maybe a strangling!! then you dont get any blood on yourself 

**v.sawyer:** cool. um. well i have to bike to school now so bye?

**0 chill available- 7:18 am ******

****

  


**tweety:** oh no :( did we scare her off??

 **queen:** What does she mean bike to school we told her yesterday heather was going to come by and pick her up

 **mobyduke:** that does explain her legs though

 **mobyduke:** she has fantastic legs.

 **queen:** Stop thirsting you gay whore and text her that your gonna pick her up

 **mobyduke:** I thought you were going to pick Veronica up?

 **queen:** No heather, Im picking up heather today Im already waiting in her driveway 

**queen:** Also I dont know how you got it but youre still the only one with her number so your on veronica duty

**miracle max's apothecary- 7:32 am**

**Martha:** I'm in the parking lot at the front, where are you?

 **bitterbetty:** i'm at the redlight on kearny there are like 80 cars in front of me

 **Martha:** Oh no! You might be late!

 **bitterbetty:** oops i dont give a fuck

 **v.sawyer:** i'm locking up my bike rn behind the library heading to the front in a sec

 **v.sawyer:** you're never gonna believe this you know how i kind of got inducted into the heathers yesterday?

 **Martha:** Yes, what about it?

 **v.sawyer:** heather duke just offered to give me a ride to school

 **Martha:** What? Really?

 **v.sawyer:** perks of becoming a heather i guess

 **v.sawyer:** also i got added to their groupchat? and they said they would stab someone for me

 **bitterbetty:** omg

**0 chill available- 7:32 am**

**mobyduke:** why did she turn down the ride i don t understandmd jdkd

 **queen:** Its probably not your fault shes just kind of obvious

 **queen:** Oblivious*

 **tweety:** ooh! that's a 14 point word in scrabble

 **tweety:** also i think i see veronica by the library im gonna go say hi!

 **queen:** Remind her of what shes supposed to be doing

 **queen:** There are Rules

 **queen:** and Consequences for breaking them 

**mobyduke:** do you thin kit was hte jeep. was that like a little much to say I wofld do do a wheelie with the jeep

**miracle max's apothecary- 7:43 am**

**bitterbetty:** yo v where are you we're waiting in front of the school 

**bitterbetty:** veronica? hello?

 **v.sawyer:** hi uhh sorry i can't meet with you guys today

 **Martha:** Did something happen?

 **v.sawyer:** yeah i got waylaid by heather mcnamara

 **v.sawyer:** apparently during lunch yesterday when i sat w them they were telling me about a bunch of rules of being a heather? i don't remember anything about this sos

 **v.sawyer:** i'm waiting with her in the 2nd floor girl's bathroom for the other heathers to arrive bc it's important to show up to school together? something abt an united front 

**v.sawyer:** i don't get it? heather has a printed pamphlet in her backpack of all the rules how come i don't remember anything about this

 **Martha:** Well you were kind of distracted during lunch yesterday...

 **bitterbetty:** yeah u spent the whole lunch period texting us under the table abt yellow heather's biceps no wonder you dont remember

 **bitterbetty:** we could see you staring at her arms from across the cafetaria lmaoo

 **v.sawyer:** oh

 **bitterbetty:** LOL

 **bitterbetty:** im fuckin LIVIN ur truly too bi to function 

**bitterbetty:** also you should really be here martha's trying to talk to ram again

 **bitterbetty:** something about a note?

**0 chill available- 8:32 am**

**tweety:** there's a new kid in my english class :0 

**tweety:** his name is JD!

**tweety:** stealthypicture.jpg

**tweety:** yay or nay?

 **queen:** ugh, nay. he looks like a school shooter. 

**mobyduke:** what's he like?

**0 chill available- 9:44 am**

**tweety:** broody! kind of an asshole. hes laughing whenever ms. fleming says something about baudelaire

 **mobyduke:** oh yikes lmao how pretentious

**miracle max's apothecary- 9:46 am**

**bitterbetty:** there's some new kid 

**bitterbetty:** his name is JD  & he's a total hipster 

**v.sawyer:** is he cute?

 **Martha:** ^^^

 **bitterbetty:** in a weird greasy way, yeah

 **bitterbetty:** newkid.jpg

 **v.sawyer:** wow

 **Martha:** He looks kind of sketchy?

**0 chill available- 10:22 am**

**queen:** What the fuck

 **mobyduke:** what

 **tweety:**?

**queen:** look.jpg

**mobyduke:** wh at 

**mobyduke:** fkfjfjfk

 **queen:** Yeah she looks fucking weird with her hair pulled back 

**queen:** braiding each others hair during class? seriously?

 **queen:** Is this kindergarten?

 **mobyduke:** it looks good tho

 **tweety:** it looks fine?? her hair is in her face all the time this is awesome

 **tweety:** we're going to have to give her a scrunchie 

**queen:** Fuck that might actually look cute

 **tweety:** for tonights party we need to get her to put her hair up!!

 **queen:** The braids still look dumb though

 **mobyduke:** it looks fine you're just mad it's martha dumptruck doing the braiding instead of you

 **queen:** Whats that supposed to mean

**0 chill available- 11:09 am**

**queen:** Nvm she does look really pretty... in a straight way though no homo 

**mobyduke:** I know right. that was in an exclusively lesbian way I'm a big gay

 **mobyduke:** btw Heather there is no heterosexual explanation for what you just said. 

**queen:** Im not gay bitch shut your dumb ass up 

**tweety:** um heather you kind of are... 

**queen:** Dont

**0 chill available- 12:20 pm**

**queen:** Where are you 

**tweety:** im in the lunch line!

 **mobyduke:** im heading over from class 

**queen:** Okay good

 **queen:** Now we're just missing Veronica 

**queen:** Wait

 **queen:** Heather the new kid wears a trench coat right

 **tweety:** yeah! why do you see him 

**queen:** Yeah i see him

 **queen:** He's staring at Veronica? 

**queen:** Holy shit I think he might be trying to flirt with her

 **mobyduke:** what

 **queen:** Even his smile is sketchy 

**queen:** I know that smile he just wants to get in her pants

 **mobyduke:** yikes

 **queen:** Heather intercept Veronica before she gets out of the lunch line 

**tweety:** i cant theres too many people in front of me

 **tweety:** besides its rude to cut in line!

 **queen:** Shes smiling back at him

 **queen:** Shes so flirting at that guy

 **mobyduke:** but he looks like a grease stain 

**queen:** I know

 **queen:** Fuck she's going over

 **mobyduke:** whyyy kkf,l;as'd

_mobyduke changed chat name to "sad kermits"_

**queen:** Veronica i fucking swear DONT go over to jesse james

 **tweety:** veronica no!!

 **mobyduke:** No! Fuck! No!

 **queen:** No!! ho dont do it

 **tweety:** aaaaaa she's talking to him 

**mobyduke:** Heather that is such an old meme

 **queen:** Shut up, heather 

**mobyduke:** sorry Your Majesty :// my sincere apologies

 **queen:** Shes smiling at him???????

**tweety:** :( 

**mobyduke:** I hate JD so much right now

 **queen:** Thats fucking relatable 

**ride or die bitches- 12:29pm**  


**queen:** @ JD choke possibly

 **v.sawyer:** heather what???

 **queen:** Constructive criticism

**sad kermits - 12:29pm**

**queen:** WRONG CHAT 

**tweety:** WRONG CHAT 

**mobyduke:** WRONG CHAT 

**queen:** Why is she still talking to him when she could talk to us.. Im so fuckiing mad 

**mobyduke:** uhhh actually if we want Veronica to stay away from JD... we could actually like, tell her

 **queen:** I hate it when youre right

**ride or die bitches- 12:31pm**

**queen:** Veronica 

**tweety:** veronica

 **mobyduke:** Veronica!

**tweety:** answer please! 

**v.sawyer:** sorry i'm kind of busy right now

 **queen:** Dont talk to bo diddley

 **queen:** Hes bad news

 **mobyduke:** I heard he almost killed someone at his last school.

**v.sawyer:** what. 

**sad kermits- 12:31pm**

**tweety:** oh no is that actually true?

 **mobyduke:** I mean I overheard dennis talking about it

 **mobyduke:** it might be

**ride or die bitches-12:31pm**

**queen:** One of the first rules of being a heather: united front

 **queen:** We have to sit together during lunch

 **v.sawyer:** seriously?

 **queen:** Yeah get the fuck over here

**miracle max's apothecary-12:52pm**

**bitterbetty:** where are you sawyer you're about to be late to class

 **v.sawyer:** im hiding in the bathroom rn

 **bitterbetty:** woah why

 **Martha:** Are you alright?!

 **v.sawyer:** the heathers just invited me to the remington party at 9

 **Martha:** OMG

 **v.sawyer:** or kind of ordered really i'm not sure

 **bitterbetty:** did you accept

 **v.sawyer:** not yet? heather mc is waiting for my answer outside 

**Martha:** You should accept!

 **bitterbetty:** what are you doin my precious dumbass best friend ACCEPT

 **bitterbetty:** remington parties are legendary!

 **v.sawyer:** but sleepover night is tonight at 9!

 **bitterbetty:** who says you can't go to both 

**bitterbetty:** we can delay sleepover night by an hour or 2 and you can sneak out of the party early 

**Martha:** I can come by and pick you up from the party if you want, you shouldn't miss out on your first Remington party!

 **v.sawyer:** what did i ever do to deserve best friends like you 

**Martha:** [heart-emoji]

 **bitterbetty:** ikr

 **bitterbetty:** [heart-emoji]

**sad kermits- 2:00 pm**

**queen:** Ugh this class is so boring 

**queen:** Why are our last names so far apart on the seating chart this is absolute crap 

**mobyduke:** too many people with C- last names I guess

 **mobyduke:** at least you're not stuck staring at the back of JD's head

 **tweety:** im giving JD my best glare right now!! is it working!!

 **queen:** yeah 

**queen:** he looks super scared

 **tweety:** :D

 **mobyduke:** don't smile at your phone the teacher's coming over

 **tweety:** D:

**ride or die bitches- 3:20pm**

**tweety:** hey veronica are you still at school? 

**v.sawyer:** about to bike home, why? 

**tweety:** do you want to come with us to the movies? heather has a thing to mount your bike on the back of her jeep 

**tweety:** we're going to get snacks and watch a movie if you come with us now we don't have to come pick you up again at 6:00 to get ready together 

**tweety:** or we could just give you a ride home idk

 **v.sawyer:** oh that would be awesome! i'd love to come with

 **tweety:** great!!! :) we're in the parking lot in front of school 

**ride or die bitches- 4:19**

**queen:** Veronica are you still in the snappy snack shack

 **queen:** We got tickets to the 4:45 outsiders remake

 **queen:** Jesus how long does getting snacks take 

**v.sawyer:** sorry hold on i ran into a friend 

**sad kermits- 7:31pm**

**mobyduke:** **@queen**

 **mobyduke:** **@queen**

**mobyduke:** **@queen**

**mobyduke:** how long are you going to take doing her makeup damn 

**mobyduke:** and why can't we see?? we helped dress her and everything but now that it comes to makeup we suddenly can't see

_mobyduke has changed usernames to "HURRYUP"_

**HURRYUP: @queen**

**HURRYUP: @queen** we're boooored cmon 

**queen:** hold your fucking horses goddamn you cant rush perfection

 **queen:** shes checking it out in the mirror rn just need to apply safety coat of lipstick 

_HURRYUP has changed usernames to "mobyduke"_

**miracle max's apothecary- 8:38 pm**

**v.sawyer:** ilookhot.jpg

**bitterbetty:** HOT DAMN

 **Martha:** You look gorgeous Veronica!

 **bitterbetty:** CALL THE POLICE AND THE FIREMAN

 **bitterbetty:** the heathers may be evil but they really know how to work their magic 

**Martha:** They really do- your outfit is stunning. 

**v.sawyer:** aww thank you

 **v.saywer:** they might not be as evil as we thought the pendant i'm wearing right now is a loan from heather mcnamara

 **v.sawyer:** she's actually kind of nice

 **Martha:** One of them also put a raunchy note in my locker this morning and pretended it was from Ram. 

**v.sawyer:** WHAT

 **bitterbetty:** they fucking suck at forgery at least lmao you could've done a better job 

**v.sawyer:** i'm going to talk to them about this wtf

 **v.sawyer:** i'm kind of getting ahead of myself here but.. what if i can convince them to be better people 

**bitterbetty:** vvvvv deep undercover in enemy territory 

**bitterbetty:** sadly that's impossible they traded their souls to be superhumanly hot

 **v.sawyer:** ... fact

 **Martha:** When does the party start again? 

**Martha:** Veronica? 

**v.sawyer:** in about 17 minutes actually but we're going to drive a few extra loops around the block to be fashionably late

 **v.sawyer:** i just got into heather chandler's porsche(!) and we're heading over right now

 **v.sawyer:** kind of awkward because they're talking about some remington jock and how small his dick is and i have no clue what i should say haha

**0 chill available- 10:53pm**

**mobyduke:** where are you guys

 **mobyduke:** hllo 

**mobyduke:** anyone hrere

 **mobyduke:** heather?

 **tweety:** heather! are you on the second floor?

 **mobyduke:** yeah I am.. first guest bedroom on the right 

**tweety:** im with Heather right now we're coming upstairs 

**mobyduke:** bring booze

 **tweety:** its not good to get too drunk this early into the party!!

 **mobyduke:** I'm already kind of tipsy l ol.

 **mobyduke:** okay maybe a lot

 **mobyduke:** are there snacks in th ekitchen 

**tweety:** oh yeah ill get you one! one sec 

**0 chill available:- 11:25 pm**

**mobyduke:** are you guys okay? I saw a flaming trashcan on Twitter 

**mobyduke:** everyone's freaking out even though like no one's seen it in person 

**mobyduke:** I'm like way more sober now come on please don't leave me here 

**mobyduke: @tweety @queen** hello?? 

**mobyduke:** you know I can't go out there if the Remington frat boys are already smashed 

**queen:** I left

 **mobyduke:** what the fuck

 **queen:** Heather is still there shes going to join you in a sec 

**mobyduke:** why did you leave????? where are you now

 **queen:** Veronica left 

**mobyduke:** WTF 

**mobyduke:** WHY

 **queen:** I dont fucking know

 **queen:** I got into an argument with her bc she said she wasnt feeling well and had to leave early 

**queen:** I told her if she left now it would destroy us & that I had to do... favors just to get us in here 

**queen:** she looked disgusted but then she got a text and then said she had to leave

 **queen:** and then she just ran off 

**mobyduke:** What the fuck 

**queen:** Im going to crucify her come Monday 

**queen:** she just fucking ditched us 

**queen:** Im so fucking mad Im

 **queen:** walking around the block to get some air 

**queen:** is Heather there I left her in the kitchen 

**queen:** Hello

 **queen:** fuck 

**direct chat started between Martha & mobyduke- 11:28 pm**

**mobyduke:** what the hell

 **Martha:** Hi, this is Martha Dunnstock.

 **mobyduke:** oh I know who you are 

**mobyduke:** what do you want 

**Martha:** I'll get straight to it.

 **Martha:** Where are you keeping Veronica. 

**mobyduke:** what do you mean 

**Martha:** Veronica's missing. 

**mobyduke:** how do you know that

 **Martha:** She was supposed to sneak out of your party in order to have sleepover night with us. 

**Martha:** veronicasgooglemapsscreenshot.jpg

**Martha:** This was sent at nine thirty, she should have been here by nine forty. 

**Martha:** She would never be late to a sleepover night if she had a choice. 

**Martha:** One last time, Heather, where are you keeping her. 

**mobyduke:** was that a threat? did you really just threaten me

 **mobyduke:** ugh whatever i'm kind of worried about her too

 **mobyduke:** all i know is that she and chandler had a fight earlier and then she stormed out

 **mobyduke:** we didn't take her. believe me if you want, I don't give a fuck 

**0 chill available- 11:42 pm**

**tweety:** hey sorry i'm late!! i got held up talking to dennis in the kitchen

 **mobyduke:** how'd he get invited lmao and what are you doing talking to a loser like dennis

 **tweety:** no clue =P

 **tweety:** and he said a bunch of really weird stuff! he said he saw JD arrive? around nine twenty or so? 

**mobyduke:** what

 **queen:** What

 **tweety:** yeah he was riding some sort of motorcycle 

**tweety:** but then JD waited like ten minutes and left without talking to anyone? dennis said he tried talking to JD but JD brushed him off and said that he had a mission to accomplish 

**mobyduke:** holy fuck.

 **mobyduke:** i know what happened to veronica.


	2. mobyduke changed groupchat name to "Midtown South Precinct"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Some Shit Goes Down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It picks up right where we left off! caution for weapons & threat of violence

**0 chill available- 11:43 pm**

**tweety:** heather?? what do you mean?

 **mobyduke:** martha dunnstock texted me 

**queen:** Since when do you text with martha dumptruck

 **mobyduke:** that's besides the point heather

 **mobyduke:** she said that Veronica skipped out so she could go to their sleepover

 **queen:** What the fuck

 **queen:** She dumped us for the school loser

 **queen:** Shes going to be dead come monday

 **mobyduke:** no wait listen Veronica never made it to movie night

 **tweety:** what movie night???

 **queen:** Where is she then

 **mobyduke:** heather when did you have your argument with her

 **queen:** I dont fucking know 

**tweety:** pretty early

 **tweety:** she came back inside looking all mad and drank like three cups of the spiked punch and she wouldn't talk

 **tweety:** then she was making out with david and ram said i should see the pool so i went with him which took like an hour

 **queen:** Heather

 **tweety:** and then i found her in the bathroom and

 **tweety:** yeah anyways we decided to come upstairs and come look for you

 **mobyduke:** so would you say the argument happened around 9?

 **queen:** I guess

 **queen:** What is this an interrogation

 **mobyduke** no it's important

 **mobyduke:** i think JD took her

 **tweety:** :0

 **queen:** What. 

**tweety:** oh my gosh we have to go talk to dennis again then

 **queen:** Heather explain

 **mobyduke:** okay. veronica probably left to go to betty's

 **tweety:** betty?

 **mobyduke:** i meant martha

 **mobyduke:** martha said earlier that veronica was 10 minutes away at around 9:30

 **mobyduke:** and JD showed up but left at around 9:30 

**mobyduke:** i think JD came here to find veronica but found out that she left

 **queen:** No goddamn way

 **tweety:** ???

 **mobyduke:** it makes sense he totally gives off stalker vibes he might have overheard that veronica was going to be here for the party

 **mobyduke:** he could have caught up with veronica on a motorcycle even if she left before him 

**tweety:** omg

 **tweety:** are you saying that jd kidnapped her??

 **queen:** Shit

 **queen:** Fuck

 **queen:** Shit

 **queen:** What does he fucking want with veronica

 **queen:** What if hes actually a serial killer

 **queen:** Didnt dennis say he murdered someone at his last school 

**tweety:** what if she needs our help?! what are we going to do aaa

 **mobyduke:** okay

 **mobyduke:** i've got a plan

 **mobyduke:** it involves unlawful breaking  & entering

 **tweety:** that's illegal! :O

 **queen:** Lets do it 

**mobyduke:** we'll have to skip out early on the first party of the year

 **queen:** Well well be committing crime it wont be a total waste of the night

 **queen:** And its not like tonight was going great anyways

**Martha and mobyduke's direct chat- 11:55pm**

**mobyduke:** hey

 **Martha:** Yes?

 **mobyduke:** we have a lead

 **Martha:** I'm listening.

 **mobyduke:** is betty there

 **Martha:** No. She left to check Veronica's house a few minutes ago.

 **mobyduke:** oh huh i guess she can drive now

 **Martha:** Why do you ask?

 **mobyduke:** i'm going to create a groupchat so i can tell you everything

 **mobyduke:** and i need you to add her.

 **Martha:** Why, so you can prank us again? I know you were behind the note this morning.

 **mobyduke:** ...

 **mobyduke:** that's fair. but it's about veronica

 **mobyduke:** i know you all think i'm a heartless bitch but i... i'm genuinely worried for her

 **mobyduke:** please

**groupchat created between mobyduke and Martha- 12:05am**

_mobyduke changed groupchat name to "Midtown South Precinct"_

__  


_Martha added bitterbetty to the conversation_

**bitterbetty:** duke?????  
 **bitterbetty:** wtf is going on

**0 chill available- 12:03am**

**tweety:** heather you parked near the front right

 **queen:** No the back

 **queen:** I see heather where are you

 **tweety:** dennis left the kitchen so i wanted to go ask him if the rumors about JD were true but kurt and ram came in looking for booze 

**tweety:** and that took a long time

 **queen:** Heathers in the car now were not getting any younger

 **tweety:** DX wait for me!!

**Midtown South Precinct-12:17am**

**bitterbetty:** HOLY SHIT

 **bitterbetty:** you really think he took her

 **bitterbetty** what are we going to do about JD then holy crap

 **Martha:** So you want to Cagney and Lacey this.

 **mobyduke:** basically.

 **bitterbetty:** cagney and what?

 **Martha:** Where do we even start?

 **mobyduke:** alright

 **mobyduke:** since i'm the head of the yearbook comittee i get access to the school office in case i need to make copies of anything using their printer

 **bitterbetty:** and leave the rest of us plebians to use the library printer? i see

 **mobyduke:** yeah lmaooo

 **mobyduke:** um. anyways.

 **mobyduke:** i'm with the other heathers and we just left from my place 

**mobyduke** i got the key to the school office from my room, we're heading to westerburg  & then we're going to break into the office

 **bitterbetty:** w

 **bitterbetty:** why

 **Martha:** You always were good at scheming. 

**Martha:** JD just moved here, so if he took Veronica, the only place he can take Veronica is to his place. 

**Martha:** The office keeps records of contact information in case of emergency and the addresses of each student. 

**bitterbetty:** and the rest of the heathers are just going along with this??

 **mobyduke:** well, heather is worried for veronica and heather is a lot more concerned than i would have expected 

**bitterbetty:** thanks for clearing things up 

**mobyduke:** we're about to reach westerburg so i'm going to go offline. if veronica hasn't arrived at your place by the time we complete the breakin and get the records i'll text his address here and you're going to head there since westerburg is too far away from the residential district 

**bitterbetty:** ... have you had prior experience with breakins? how do you sound so confident

 **Martha:** Don't question her.

 **bitterbetty:** ominous! okay!

**0 chill available - 12:20am**

**queen:** Are you done

 **mobyduke:** we've been here for five minutes 

**queen:** Yeah and

 **mobyduke:** just stay in the car for fuck's sake i'm not even at the office yet

 **queen:** How long is this going to take

 **tweety:** getaway driver is a very important job heather!!

 **queen:** Okay

 **queen:** I still think we should just take all of the files and look at them later

 **tweety:** if we do that people will know someone broke in though?

 **queen:** Exactly

 **queen:** Whats the point of doing something without flair

 **queen:** Otherwise wed be common criminals

 **tweety:** but were committing a crime right now?? doesnt that make us criminals

 **queen: @mobyduke** Did you find his file 

**mobyduke:** no it's not on mr.bowell's desk

 **queen:** Who

 **mobyduke:** our vice principal? mr. bowell?

 **mobyduke:** he's also the head of attendance so if there's a new transfer student normally he should have their student records but there's just a postit that says 'i hope you don't mind me borrowing this steve xoxo' 

**queen:** Heather are you serious

 **queen:** Pics or it didnt happen

 **mobyduke:** dontdoubtmebitch.jpg

 **queen:** Who the hell signs notes with xoxo does he have a secret paramour or something

 **tweety:** wow that handwriting looks familiar 

**tweety:** omg do you think it could be someone we know

 **queen:** Idk who bowell is but this could be such good blackmail material

 **mobyduke:** i literally just said he's our vice principal 

**tweety:** OMG

 **queen:** What

 **tweety:** thats mrs flemings handwriting!!!

 **queen:** No fucking way

 **tweety:** im going to go to her classroom and check for the records!! 

**mobyduke:** wait don't leave your post you have to be lookout

 **tweety:** also **@mobyduke** the security guard passed where im hiding hes heading towards you so you might want to run before he gets there!!

 **mobyduke:** shit if he just passed where you are then i have 5 minutes to hide 

**queen:** Dont bother

 **queen:** I have a plan

**0 chill available - 12:28am**

**queen:** Change of plans you two need to haul ass to the library parking lot pronto

 **mobyduke:** WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO HEATHER

 **queen:** Dont question my methods

 **queen: @tweety** Do you have the records 

**tweety:** yeah i do!  jdsaddress also whats going on the front steps O-O

 **queen:** Nothing

 **queen:** (:

 **mobyduke:** i don't know what's more threatening the fact that you used an emoticon for the first time in your life or that you got the smiley face backwards 

**queen:** Whatever 

**queen:** Cant wait to smash JDs fucking window out 

**queen:** You thought you were safe from us huh you kidnapping jackass

 **mobyduke:** actually i have that covered

 **mobyduke:** martha dunnstock  & betty finn are going to do the honours

 **tweety:** aww why that sounded fun 

**queen:** You told martha fucking dumptruck and betty finn about this are you kidding me 

**mobyduke:** ngl i want to smash his window in too but they're closest to his location

 **mobyduke:** and veronica is attached to those two if i didn't tell them what's going on martha might be launching a rainbow legion of pegasi on the remington party right now trying to figure out if we murdered veronica

 **queen:** Ugh I hate it when you make sense

 **queen:** Just get in the car before I drive off without you

**Midtown South Precinct- 12:42am**

**mobyduke:** jdsaddress.jpg

 **bitterbetty:** oh what the hell that's so close

**Midtown South Precinct- 12:56am**

**Martha:** We're there.

**Midtown South Precinct- 1:35am**

**Martha:** JD's father is asleep. We climbed in through his window but no one else is home.

 **mobyduke:** damn.

**miracle max's apothecary- 1:42am**

**v.sawyer:** hey guys

 **Martha:** Veronica!

 **bitterbetty:** V YOU'RE ALIVE

 **v.sawyer:** why do i have 30 missed calls

 **bitterbetty:** YOU WENT AWOL FOR FOUR HOURS YOU ASSHOLE 

**v.sawyer:** oh shit yeah

 **Martha:** Thank goodness you're okay! Where are you?

 **v.sawyer:** i'm at the snappy snack shack

 **bitterbetty:** that's 30 minutes in the opposite direction

 **v.sawyer:** it's a long story

 **v.sawyer:** ... can you guys come pick me up?

**Midtown South Precinct- 1:46am**

**Martha: @mobyduke** She's okay. We're going to pick her up right now.

**Midtown South Precinct- 1:47am**

**Martha:** Why did you go missing without telling us? We were worried.

 **v.sawyer:** oh jesus

 **v.sawyer:** hold on this is a really weird story i'm going to try sum it up

 **v.sawyer:** i went to the movies earlier today with the heathers and they put me in charge of buying snacks from the snappy snack shack so we could sneak them in instead of buying stuff from the concession stand

 **v.sawyer:** i ran into JD and we ended up talking for a while 

**v.sawyer:** somehow he knew i was going to a party with the heathers and i told him about how i was going to sneak out early to come meet with you guys, he actually offered to come pick me up so i didn't have to walk for twenty minutes 

**v.sawyer:** i agreed and he said he'd see me later tonight 

**v.sawyer:** i got into a really bad argument with heather chandler so i texted him to ask him to come pick me up asap 

**v.sawyer:** he asked if he could join sleepover night and i said yes because he sounded super... lonely?

 **v.sawyer:** JD wanted to go to his house first though to pick up some snacks 

**v.sawyer:** he said his dad would be asleep by then so we could probably break into the liquor cabinet too

 **v.sawyer:** he wanted to use it as a peace offering for crashing the sleepover but i told him you guys would be fine with it 

**Martha:** Of course we would be. We trust your judgement. 

**v.sawyer:** except for when i do stupid shit

 **Martha:** Yes, except for when you do stupid things like dropping all contact and running off with a guy who murdered someone at his last school. 

**Martha:** I heard that from Dennis, and he would never lie. 

**v.sawyer:** i talked to him about that actually and he said it was a misunderstanding

 **Martha:** I'm reading all of this out loud to Betty and she wants me to tell you that that sounds exactly like what someone who murdered a kid at his last high school and wants to cover it up would say.

 **v.sawyer:** sooo anyways we head to his place and i sent you guys the google maps image 

**v.sawyer:** it was really weird we pulled up at the front of his house and all of the lights were on

 **v.sawyer:** JD told me his dad would be asleep anyways and we climb over the fence

 **v.sawyer:** he makes me wait in his backyard while he goes in to get the snacks

 **v.sawyer:** his backyard didn't have signal so i couldn't text you guys and tell you what was going on

 **v.sawyer:** also he said he had to be the one to go in because he's good at staying quiet 

**v.sawyer:** so i'm crouched there between two bushes freezing my shoulders off in a party dress borrowed from the heathers

 **v.sawyer:** ah damn they're going to kill me for getting grass stains on it 

**v.sawyer:** do you think i can get them out even though it's been like two hrs 

**Martha:** I'll see if it's salvageable when we get there.

 **Martha:** What happened next? 

**v.sawyer:** oh yeah 

**v.sawyer:** it looked like he forgot his key to the back door? he started cursing under his breath at it when it wouldn't open 

**v.sawyer:** he got in anyways 

**v.sawyer:** i think he picked his own lock 

**v.sawyer:** for some reason he looks back at me and i give him a thumbs up from where i'm hiding in the bushes

 **v.sawyer:** and then he slams open the door so loud that the neighbours would have woken up

 **v.sawyer:** the dog next door started barking 

**v.sawyer:** but his dad doesn't seem to wake up? at least there's no movement in the house

 **v.sawyer:** after twenty minutes of JD being inside the door suddenly bursts open again

 **v.sawyer:** and he comes running out and he dives into the bush next to me and pulls me further into the bush and he tells me to be quiet

 **v.sawyer:** then his dad comes outside waving a GUN

 **Martha:** Oh my. 

**v.sawyer:** so we're scared shitless hiding in JD's backyard while his dad stomps around looking for intruders

 **v.sawyer:** his dad is shouting shit really loudly too and he shouts "i'm going to make you go kaboom you little fuck"

 **v.sawyer:** and that's when i realize

 **v.sawyer:** his dad is BIG BUD DEAN

 **v.sawyer:** he told me his first name was jason at the snack shack so his last name must be dean

 **v.sawyer:** i had BIG BUD DEAN threaten to kaboom me with his pistol at two am 

**v.sawyer:** which is surreal i don't think it's going to sink in until tomorrow that big bud dean, the guy who does the deconstruction ads on tv, almost deconstructed _me_

 **v.sawyer:** his dad leaves after a while but JD is still terrified, he's shivering and stuff and i try to calm him down but then he jumps up, sprints to the backyard fence, vaults over it

 **v.sawyer:** i run after him and he's way faster but he collapses to the ground as soon as we're out of sight from his house 

**v.sawyer:** obviously i ask him what the fuck is going on at that point and if he's okay

 **v.sawyer:** he says he's fine

 **v.sawyer:** he's really distressed though because he left the snacks on the ground in his backyard

 **v.sawyer:** he insists on going to the snappy snack shack to get more snacks and he's acting really stressed 

**v.sawyer:** i told him that you two wouldn't care about the snacks and he gets this really weird look in his eyes

 **v.sawyer:** and he says "i'm going to the snappy snack shack you can come with me or you can walk"

 **v.sawyer:** i'm super worried about him so i go with him 

**v.sawyer:** the snappy snack shack was closed though since it closes at 10pm on fridays instead of staying open 24/7 and for some reason he's super upset about that and he freaks out really hard

 **v.sawyer:** maybe he had a breakdown? i don't know what was going on it might have been a panic attack? he was almost crying at one point 

**v.sawyer:** it was super scary but after a while i got him to calm down but he's shaking too hard to drive anywhere so we're grounded basically

 **Martha:** Oh gosh. Are you two okay?

 **v.sawyer:** yeah probably

 **v.sawyer:** now he's chain smoking cigarettes on the other side of the parking lot and he's gone basically non verbal

 **v.sawyer:** i told him that he could stay the night at betty's if that's okay

 **Martha:** ETA one minute. 

**Martha:** Betty's driving, so she asks me to pass along that JD can stay if he doesn't want to go back.

 **Martha:** I'm glad you're safe, Veronica. You and JD both. 

**v.sawyer:** i'm sorry for putting you guys through this

 **v.sawyer:** i love you two

**ride or die bitches- 10:00am**

**v.sawyer:** hi

 **queen:** You _stupid fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey did you know about this neat little feature on ao3 called 'rich text' that lets you add fancy effects to your text without going to the hassle of doing html tags? no? neither did i. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed! i'm available at keenmint.tumblr.hell if you're interested in shouting abt these dumb gay dorks

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday again kat!! i am so fortunate to have met you! you are the bomb.com
> 
> leave a comment & a kudos if you'd like, hope you found it funny!
> 
> [if you want to yell @ me or whatever my tumblr is keenmint.tumblr.com]


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